there are certain sorrows, I could never express, when I saw my loved ones have bigger ones........Today it comes in the form of this blog to remember one of the finest lady, I have known- my MIL, on her 5th death anniversary

My father would always tease my mother, with pride in his eye, whenever he was told by my mother in the evening, that phula aunty- our elderly neighbor lady had lunch with her. Instant reaction from my father was, whoever does a bit of a praise for your food, you start cooking.. how many people you want to feed? I grew up seeing my mother indulging in such acts more often with glowing eyes.

As recent as after marriage, I saw my mother in law, in small town of Moradabad cooking for such people every day who would arrive before my Father in Law came home to take some advice. It was a dhaba 24X7 and she would always crib about it later on to my wife and her other kids who would be very prompt is criticing their father and sympathizing with her, but most of the time, while discussing such issues, doorbell would ring and it would take her no time to swing into action to cook one thing or other for fresh consignment of guest of the day. FIL never believed in something called advanced intimation and worst still he had very healthy disregard for her health for such gatherings and meetings- well, sure enough they were not guests but people who generally came for admission of their children or for legal advice on dispute of property.

If you come from small city, large joint family and aspiring vision to growth and commitment to social structure, such episodes are very common with each house and we all grew with it but sad enough last 50 years, since the invention of microprocessor and new age movement, we are beginning to loose this in pursuit of economic freedom.

What is the connect between food and serving strangers and making it a ritual? A part of it can be attributed to our Indian culture and warm hospitality but then that was also developed because it was suppose to deliver certain values to the people, however, nowhere in our tradition, a daily affairs or frequent affair of such magnitude of hospitality for strangers has been cited unless feeding poor Brahmin or a lost traveler. Why did our women develop a system of cooking for strangers?

In case of my mother, she cooked for phula aunty for the sheer love for cooking and being recognized while in case of my mother in law; she did that for sheer love & devotion for her husband and that was the means of communication for her. With her cooking, she did extensive romance and would even tease him later on in the evening and he would listen to her cribs with lots of love in his eyes and mischievous smile on his face. It brings me back to the point that a lot more goes into cooking then just ingredients and masalas and this form of communication and a connect point between husband and wife was very pillar of arranged marriages in our forefathers days. So much so that this art over a period of time was developed to be so matured and made interactive that till last generation of our parents, our men also cultivated sensitivity about food being served not just for hunger but were aware that something has been communicated to them through food by their ladies and they often did reciprocate by listening to the message.
Middle class upwards, this form of communication was common among all economic sections of society. My MIL who came from a leading industrial house of Chandausi having 13 siblings and got married to my FIL whose father was “jamindar” of more than 40 odds villages in Sambhal and lived in a “haveli” consisting of around 50 rooms, from where I picked my wife in 1995 and in contrast to it, my father who came from a poor family having 7 siblings and worked hard to find a job in a city 400 km away from his home town teaching chemistry in a university and I had 4 siblings. But it did not matter till last generation and cooking was very mature means of communication and basic foundation of relationship between husband and wife.

In joint families, with parda pratha (veil) and hard work in the field or on front, men were often not available for a coffee together and that left our ladies with little time & means to communicate with their men in private and cooking grew up as a connect point for them to converse with their men and although it meant lot of work for women but it was acceptable for them to invest in it to create higher value out of their time and need for survival and love for their men. They saw their communication working and they could quantify their efforts and fathom return on investment. 3 times a day, dedicated resources, support system and affirmation to their religion, unlike any other form gave ample opportunities for women to cultivate cooking and create higher value out of it.

Hence when a man was eating, he could well guess how his woman has felt during the day, what she feels now and what she wants to communicate to him today through this specific meal. If a woman was upset, food would either have slight deviation in taste, aesthetics or the way it is served which was meant to sensitize men or if she wanted to get his attention and later on consensus on some issue, she would just add or delete one of the dishes from the plate without which food for the man was incomplete and that was an indication. It built very advanced system for sensitizing men on various issues and men grew up cultivating them from one generation to another.

Higher the disparity between men and women within a specific religion, family or a section of society, more advanced was this form of communication among them.

So where has it left us today with food being a casual activity, no joint families. We are all uprooted and all the time unconsciously searching for those connect points in our own married life wrongly asking questions like where is LOVE?? While in reality, what we are asking from our self and our partners is what is our connect point? How do we communicate love for each other in our relationship?? And why do not I get to eat what my mom cooked?